one month two days

It is has been one month and two days since the miscarriage.  It seems like a long time ago and at the same time it feels like it just happened.  I still cry a lot.  Some times several days will go by and I think that I have maybe come through on the other side.  However, then something happens and I cry.  I often cry just for 5 min. - in the car, making dinner, folding laundry, etc... I can be doing anything,  I quickly try to get a hold of myself before the children notice.  But there have been a couple days where I cry all day long.  I just can't stop, and I cry.

There is so much going on all of the time.   Reading a book with Ali,  putting the dishes away, coloring with Enoch, getting Liam a banana, putting shoes in the shoe bin, remembering to give Shadrach a hug ( I try very hard not to forget Shadrach since he is my one child that is not a squeaky wheel) making dinner, picking up superheroes etc... Sometimes there simply is not time to think about your emotions- which is a blessing and a curse.

When I feel sad, I often feel angry, impatient, and unsympathetic.  I am often short with people, and they bug me.  I wish I could just feel sad without the other negative emotions.  I am not sure why they have to be there too.  My kids and Greg have gotten the majority of my grumpiness.  Greg has been a real trooper.  He doesn't even act like it bothers him.  He just showers me with love.  He tells me I am beautiful and cleans up dinner.  We never told the children.  I am thankful that we didn't.  However, I wish they could know/understand why I am sad sometimes. I know that even if they knew that they wouldn't understand, but i wish I could talk to an adult form of my children about it.   I want them to understand why I have been so grumpy.

I still don't know where to go from here.  I hate that part the most.

Glen Lake 2012

We almost didn't go to Glen Lake this year.  With moving, a new job, new schools, and owning 2 houses, I just thought it would be too much.  Greg didn't think so.  :)  So he worked some magic, got a good deal, split the good deal with his parents to make it even better, and some how convinced this old stick in the mud to go.  I had a great time.

I had the most fun that I have ever had.  More relaxing and actually like a vacation.  I enjoyed sharing a cabin with Greg's parents.  Kathy cooked big, yummy meals for everyone, and Greg and Garry took turns cleaning up.  We also had TV this year and as much as it pains me to say, I think the TV helped.  After hiking 3 miles and swimming for a few hours, the kids were tired and watching Cloudy with a Chance for Meatballs on the Cartoon Network was just what they needed.  I wonder if melt downs would have happened normally but because of the TV people had the chance to rest.

The kids were wonderful.  I can't remember any one crying but Liam.  Liam was his normal self.

This is Lake Michigan around 1 1/2 hours away from Glen Lake.  We stop on the way up to break up the ride and everyone enjoys it.  The kids started out with their clothes on.  Mistake.

Letting the clothes dry.

We made it all the way up!  Our first stop was where Otter creek meets like Michigan.

This is Liam and Greg in front of our cabin.

I have a new really awesome swim suit but didn't really wear it.   Typical.

Climbing the Sand dunes.  The hill was across the street from where we stayed this time.

We had a fire every night and made s'mores.  This was very important to Shadrach so we did it.  I think everyone ended up really enjoying it.  The last night we ( except Liam and Enoch) actually stayed up until it was dark out side which is really late for my kids since the go to bed between 7:30 and 8:00 normally.  We all told stories.  It was so much fun.  Papa even told a scary story.

There were lots of games played.  Pandemic mostly.  The world was saved several times.

Here were are at Pierce Stocking Drive.  The Giant Tree.  The children were really looking forward to the tree this year.

 

Nana and Papa took Ali and Shadrach on a car ride at dusk.  They saw 11 deer and 1 ratcoon.

Empire Bluff Hike.  We took turns holding Liam.  It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't been so wiggly.

Sand Castles with Army men.

Ali outside of our cabin.  Ali and Shadrach really both want to be on a swim team.  Swimming seems to be a big sport where we live now.  To get on a team you have to be able to swim free style across the length of a pool.  We practiced at the lake and was really surprised at how well Ali and Shadrach did.  We will have to see.  Maybe we will do a swim team.

Ali and Nana.  Somehow Nana never gets in the pictures!

I thought Liam playing under this Warning Sign was funny.

We had great weather the whole time.  It was sunny and 80 every day and that is unusual for Northern Michigan in September.  I loved it. 

 

It makes me truly grateful for Greg.  I am so glad he makes me have fun. 

 

First Day of School

This is the first first day of school I was not sad or did not cry.  I guess I am getting used to it.  Ali and Shadrach go to different schools even though he is in 1st, and she is in 2nd.  I like their schools so far but they both seem a little .....easy?  I am really not complaining.  Lebanon's home work was long and hard.  I like the not a lot of home work part.  The schools are ranked very high so I am not going to worry too much.