Angry

I will never get used to Greg leaving. I CAN get used to being by myself. I can do it on my own. It is hard and I don't like it but I can take care of four kids by myself. but what I CANNOT do is say good bye to Greg over and over and over again. I feel like it kills a little part of me on the inside. I love it when he comes home but I hate it too because I know he is going to leave again. I hate the leaving.

the stress of moving has gotten to me. I find I am angry often. I am not really an angry person but I find myself angry most of the time. Not at Greg or at the kids but at other people who happen to be around me. I am sure that in reality they are not doing anything that would make a sane person mad. But I am not sane. I am crazy. My stress level is so high. I have not yelled at any one or even told them I am mad. I just think it. But as a man thinkth so is he. I am Really tired of being angry. I keep on doing what Jason Kirton and I would alway do when we were little. If we ever started feeling bad, we would always remind ourselves it could be so much worse. Then we would imagine all of these really terrible awful things that could go wrong. So much so it would often makes us laugh..... liked I could be pregnant right now, and my house could burn down tonight, and I could have 2 dogs, and I could go blind and some kind of car wreck and all of the ice cream machines in the world could break and there would never be ice-cream again! -sigh-
How can you be angry after that?

All by myself

It is interesting being here all by myself. I no longer have a normal. Even when Greg comes home, it isn't normal. Normal is gone. I miss normal. I am trying to decided if I should take all of the kids and move into greg's apartment. That won't be normal ether though. it solves my missing Greg problem though. I sometimes wonder when there will be normal again. 3 months? 6 months?? Maybe even a year.....

Did I mention I miss Greg? I decided I was going to marry this guy a couple of weeks after meeting him. The third week I knew him I read his missionary journals. I know that when you are on you mission you are on a spiritual high, but when I read his journalsI felt like I could feel his dreams. I wanted the same things. And you can't help but think he is a HOTTIE in this picture. ( I like the skinny, spiritual, nerdy type)

Jorays much like hobbits

Several people have told me that this move is going to be an adventure. I believe them. And I am really excited about it 80% of the time. However there is that 20% of the time when it terrifies me- the Joray part. You see, Jorays are like hobbits. They don't do adventures; they might miss 2nd breakfast.

Greg leave today. This is the day that is starts. I am a little excited. A little sad. A little overwhelmed. I am looking forward to doing what I want to do and not having to agree with Greg on stuff. Like having a crazy schedule and living by it - I love schedules.

And I am also getting rid of the T.V. and Internet ( my Amish side). I am going to enjoy life without these things for a couple of months. I am excited.

I only have to do 4 and a half days with out Greg most of the time. I can do that.

Here we go.

Will they Remember ?

Greg was talking to Ali and Shadrach about their old bunk beds last night and they don't ever remember having bunk beds! How could they not remember their bunk beds?!?! It was only maybe 2 years ago. It has made me think a little.

Will they remember

all the hours spent dancing to music in the living room?

playing all day in the grassy field (grave yard)

walking to the library for story time

playing on Terri's front porch

cooking cookies in the kitchen

watching PBS cartoons in the sunroom under blankets

quiet time upstairs ( or not so quiet time as it often turns out now)

running and laughing in the indoor park

building dams at the sprinkler park

trying to stay awake driving home from the Children's Museum

eating dinner every night at our dining room table

playing with Hannah and Noah every week

driving every single car we own (over 100) in the kitchen while I try to make dinner

I hope they will remember.

Music

Greg gave me a wonderful Christmas present this year. It was a CD with my favorite song of all time on it. It is this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUhU0HgTq94 This is my dad's favorite song, and he has passed on his love for it on to me.

If I had never read the bible,
If I had never read the book of Mormon,
If I had never heard of Jesus Christ,
If I had never been to church,
If I knew nothing at all
and I heard this song, I would believe. I would believe that the people who sang this song knew something- knew something so big and so wonderful, I would do anything to find out what it was.

When I listen to this song I can feel the truth of it in my heart, my stomach, all of the way down through my toes and all the way out of my fingers. My knees tremble a little bit, and I find it hard to breath. After hearing this song, I want to give all that I have up. I want to cross the plains in a hand cart; I want to sail across the ocean to a new world, I want to go serve a mission.

When I listen to this song, I can remember. I really think I can remember my Heavenly Father's hug. His face. His love. What it was like to be in Heaven with Him.

Then I wonder if it is just me. Do other people feel it too? Do other people feel like their heart is going to burst out of their skin when they listen to it? My mom told me once that other people don't. That they are too busy with T.V., work, activities, etc.. that it is too hard for them to feel it.

This is my plea to you. Forget everything else. Forget your anger. Forget questions. Forget your job. Forget T.V. Forget the craziness you call life. Forget everything else and remember why you believed. Life is hard sometimes and it doesn't all make sense. BUT it is still true.
This song is why I believe.
( if you listen- make sure you listen to the whole song. It is long, but worth every second. )

Christmas 2011

Ali turns 7