It is has been one month and two days since the miscarriage. It seems like a long time ago and at the same time it feels like it just happened. I still cry a lot. Some times several days will go by and I think that I have maybe come through on the other side. However, then something happens and I cry. I often cry just for 5 min. - in the car, making dinner, folding laundry, etc... I can be doing anything, I quickly try to get a hold of myself before the children notice. But there have been a couple days where I cry all day long. I just can't stop, and I cry.
There is so much going on all of the time. Reading a book with Ali, putting the dishes away, coloring with Enoch, getting Liam a banana, putting shoes in the shoe bin, remembering to give Shadrach a hug ( I try very hard not to forget Shadrach since he is my one child that is not a squeaky wheel) making dinner, picking up superheroes etc... Sometimes there simply is not time to think about your emotions- which is a blessing and a curse.
When I feel sad, I often feel angry, impatient, and unsympathetic. I am often short with people, and they bug me. I wish I could just feel sad without the other negative emotions. I am not sure why they have to be there too. My kids and Greg have gotten the majority of my grumpiness. Greg has been a real trooper. He doesn't even act like it bothers him. He just showers me with love. He tells me I am beautiful and cleans up dinner. We never told the children. I am thankful that we didn't. However, I wish they could know/understand why I am sad sometimes. I know that even if they knew that they wouldn't understand, but i wish I could talk to an adult form of my children about it. I want them to understand why I have been so grumpy.
I still don't know where to go from here. I hate that part the most.
There is nothing that can heal a loss like that except time. Maybe heal is even a wrong word for it. Its more like you adjust to the pain and learn to live with it. Ive lost 2 babies, one was far enough a long that we had told the kids. Jackson told me one day when I was crying....dont worry mommy the baby is with Jesus now. His innocence and simple answer touched my heart and helped me move forward. I do believe that baby will be with you again even though it only grew in you for a few weeks just as I believe I will someday meet my little lost babies. You will get through this. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Molly! I agree, time can help soften the pain and feelings of loss or heartache or challenges that seem completely all consuming. Thinking of you. And totally understand how other negative emotions surface when you're dealing with sadness. It's common, but still not easy to deal with.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered speaking to you kids, but not about the specifics? Explain to the older ones that something very sad and hard happened to you and you're having a hard time lately. Explain that is why you have been grumpy, but that you're trying. (I know that they'll probably ask what it was, but just explain before hand you're not telling them, but want them to know how you're feeling.) I've done this with my kids, and it seems to help. And they have acted more compasionate and sensitively towards me. (Especially Anna, my 7 year old.) You could use that right now.