Ali and the Holly Ghost

Ali will be getting baptised in around seven months.  I am crying right now as I write that sentence because I can't believe that my little girl will soon be old enough to get baptised.  So all of this year we have started to prepare her.  We have talked a lot about being baptised and what that means.  HOWEVER, we have been running into lots of problems.  At school they have been working on fiction and nonfiction.  Both Ali and Shadrach love to read a book or watch a show and then decided if it is nonfiction or fiction.  Well, one day will were retelling the store of shadrach meshach and abednego ( I will let you guess why we tell the story all the time)  when we were done telling the story Ali commented that the story wasn't real because if you were thrown into a fire you would die and since they lived that story was make believe. I explained that the reason why the story has been told for thousands of years was because it was a miracle and that an angel really did come down and save them.  She looked at me skeptically.  I said it was just like all the miracles Jesus performed: the bread and the fishes, raising the little girl from the dead, dieing on the cross and living again ect.... She justed looked at me like I was crazy.  I told her I knew that those stories were true.  I told her about Faith.  Eventually I stopped talking and thought that I should let it go, thinking I didn't want to nag her about it.  Well, this has been going on for months now.  Greg and I decided together not to make a big deal out of it because we didn't want her doing it for the attention, but we would always quietly and lovely answer her questions and answer what we believe. 

Several weeks ago we had a Family Home Evening on what it feels like to feel the Holy Ghost.  Shadrach mentioned a time he helped me make a meal for a friend and we delivered it together.  He said he felt the Holy Ghost tell him he was making a right choice.  Ali ( not to me shown up by Shadrach)mentioned the time when she was listening to Grandpa play primary songs at church and she felt the Holy Ghost.  Greg and I both really stressed this to both of them and explain that that feeling will help them know what is right and wrong, and that it will comfort you when you need comfort.

Early this week I was reading The Friend ( church magazine) with Ali.  Again, she was having trouble believing some of the stories.  She even went as far to say that she didn't know if Jesus was even real.  (BIG BREATH HERE)  I calmly told her she would have plenty of time to figure it out and that she should continue to think and pray.

Laying in bed last night, Greg and I discuss our usual things.  (How we would solve the worlds problems)  Our talk turned to Ali.  I told him that if she was still struggling with this when she was eight that I didn't think she should get baptised.  He agreed.  He also stated that we shouldn't make too big of deal about it either because we both think she knows that saying these things makes us nervous and upset and she is just saying them for that reason ( Ali is like that sometimes)  I told Greg how hard it is raising children.  I can teach Ali to read, work hard, play the piano, even read and memorise scriptures, pray, and sing primary songs. But I can't MAKE HER FEEL that it is all true.  I begin singing Michael Mclean's song.  ( Greg was really annoyed)

( 3rd verse)
Every sleepless night knows many mothers
who are wond'ring if they've done alright.
And the dairyman's daughter knew
more than a few of those nights.

Had she given her son too much freedom?
Had she smothered her two teenage girls?
Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough
to prepare them for life in this world?

So she opened her heart to the heavens
and she spoke of her children by name.
And the prayer that she prayed
that her kids would be saved had a very familiar refrain.

Which part is mine?
And God, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time,
I'm never quite sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before.
But it gets so confusing some times.
Should I do more, or trust the divine?
Please, just help me define which part's mine,
and which part is yours.

That was the last thing Greg and I said ( ok I sang) before we went to bed. 

This morning I woke up highly annoyed to see Ali already up doing some kind of project.  ( It really helps me to be awake and ready before the kids wake up)  Then I looked at her eyes.  They were moist.  She told me, "Mom, I just felt the Holy Ghost.  I was singing primary songs in my bedroom up stairs and I felt the Holy Ghost." She was writing down the date in a journal and writing the words Holy Ghost. I stared at her astonished .  I couldn't believe it. I told her that I love her.  And that the Holy Ghost is telling her that those primary songs speak the truth.   I go and get Greg who is about ready to leave for work.  He starts to cry.  He tells her that Christ loves her and that he has answered her prayers.  He gets out our big Book of Mormon and reads Moroni 10:4-5

4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ^aask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not ^btrue; and if ye shall ask with a ^csincere heart, with ^dreal intent, having ^efaith in Christ, he will ^fmanifest the ^gtruth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may ^aknow the ^btruth of all things.

He explained to her what it meant.  We talked about how she knew it was the Holy Ghost.  She said she started to cry and that her stomach felt jumpy and her heart felt ok.  We told her to remember that feeling and the God would speak to her in that way in the future when she had questions.

Thank you.   Thank you.  I now know which part is mine and which part is Yours. And that is Why I Believe

Music

Greg gave me a wonderful Christmas present this year. It was a CD with my favorite song of all time on it. It is this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUhU0HgTq94 This is my dad's favorite song, and he has passed on his love for it on to me.

If I had never read the bible,
If I had never read the book of Mormon,
If I had never heard of Jesus Christ,
If I had never been to church,
If I knew nothing at all
and I heard this song, I would believe. I would believe that the people who sang this song knew something- knew something so big and so wonderful, I would do anything to find out what it was.

When I listen to this song I can feel the truth of it in my heart, my stomach, all of the way down through my toes and all the way out of my fingers. My knees tremble a little bit, and I find it hard to breath. After hearing this song, I want to give all that I have up. I want to cross the plains in a hand cart; I want to sail across the ocean to a new world, I want to go serve a mission.

When I listen to this song, I can remember. I really think I can remember my Heavenly Father's hug. His face. His love. What it was like to be in Heaven with Him.

Then I wonder if it is just me. Do other people feel it too? Do other people feel like their heart is going to burst out of their skin when they listen to it? My mom told me once that other people don't. That they are too busy with T.V., work, activities, etc.. that it is too hard for them to feel it.

This is my plea to you. Forget everything else. Forget your anger. Forget questions. Forget your job. Forget T.V. Forget the craziness you call life. Forget everything else and remember why you believed. Life is hard sometimes and it doesn't all make sense. BUT it is still true.
This song is why I believe.
( if you listen- make sure you listen to the whole song. It is long, but worth every second. )

Lebantucky

I love Lebanon. I love it sooo much. Sometimes I might not act like I do and sometimes I think I don't love it. But I do. When Greg got his job in Carmel, I knew I didn't want to live there. When I think of Carmel, I just have bad images in my mind that probably are not true any way. ( Rich stuck up snobs everywhere who think they are better than everyone and they don't know how to work hard) Greg and I prayed hard to know where to live. I had the idea of maybe living in Lebanon. I always had fond memories of Lebanon mainly from the wonderful people I knew there growing up ( Jessie Miranda, The Vinson Sisters, Tydel, the Howland Boys, Jason Salvinis, the Monns, there were others too )My sister went to prom there and she told me how the whole town comes and watches the students walk into prom. They have bleachers set up and lawn chairs and the students walk down a red carpet with a spot light and they called out their names. ( Since I have moved here I think I have gone every year). i loved that idea and small town things like that. So we decided to visit the branch. When we went to church in Lebanon, it felt (indescribable).... like home... like peace... like pure happiness....like right. I remember that Byron Law spoke and some of the Young Men spoke about the Young Men's Program. I felt the spirit so strong. Which looking back now if funny because while we love our Young Men, the program is still growing and struggling unlike are crazy remarkable Young Women's Program. Greg and I both knew that this is where we wanted and needed to be. I was so thankful to such a clear answer to our prayers. We have tired to leave several times ( wanting to live in a ward and not a branch, wanting to live closer to Greg's work) but each time we are pulled back to Lebantucky. I love you Lebanon.

Darkness

I have always been afraid of the dark. I don't remember a time when I wasn't afraid of the dark. However, it used to petrify me. Now this is ok when you are 5 or 6 maybe but when you are 16, it is a bit weird. I always slept with the lights on and the door open ( the door would have to be open so I could make a quick get away if needed - weird huh?). I would never allow myself to stay up late because I could not be the last one up. I needed to fall asleep with people still moving around my house. That paper route I had for one year was AWFUL. I would be hot and sweaty and my heart would be pounding as I ran from a house to the car with the paper. I would sing primary songs in my head to try to distract me. Seminary was bad too because it was still dark when I left my house.
Girl scout camp was horrible. I think there was 1 week when I was around 11 that I didn't sleep the whole week. And I never slept well at camp. I always sang "A Child's Prayer" over and over and over and over and over in my head. I always prayed for peace and calm to get me through those nights. I think that is where my first testimony came from-- those prayers late at night when i felt all alone and by myself. I would pray with all of my heart for peace and comfort so I could fall asleep. Some times when I think about some of those times, I think I was crazy -- Really crazy-- Like maybe I needed to be in a looney bin. I felt like the darkness was trying to get me. But one thing i know for sure is I can think of 5 or so times when I was so scared that I could feel the darkness encasing me and I would pray and a shield would form around me. I could feel the shield. I remember not wanting to move because I was afraid the shield would break.
I often wondered why I was afraid of the dark. I went to therapy several times about. At one point in time, I thought it had something to do with some thing bad that happened to me in the dark when I was little. But I don't think that any more. I simply think I was afraid of the dark. And I am in a weird way thankful for that fear because I think it taught me at an early age to pray and to believe.

Now to go on to one of the most spiritual things that has ever happened to me. I won't write it all. It doesn't seem right to.... too personal... too sacred. However, I do wish for my children to know about this, so maybe I will write it down some where else. When I first went to the temple, something very special happened. The temple worker was just saying what they always say I am sure but something happened. When she was talking to me, it burned in her heart as she told me the words, and it burned in my heart. I felt like she could feel all of my fear that I had had, and she was telling me that I didn't need to be scared any more. There was no greater power than Heavenly Father's and this protection that he was giving me would make the darkness go away. I haven't been afraid since. Now when I walk out side and it is dark I still take a deep breath.BUT on a scale of 1 to 100, it is a 5 now and it used to be 95. It isn't even comparable.

And if you are wondering, I slept with the lights off that night, and every night since. And the "darkness" has never come again.

Enoch/me and me/Heavenly Father

If you don't know Enoch and I are going through a trial right now. He wants to be in charge and so do I. It has been going on for almost a year and a half. At first I just thought it was the terrible two's but now I am starting to fear it has lasted too long for the terrible twos. Every day I ask myself why he does what he does? Why does he refuse to eat at meal time and screams for treats all day? Why won't he go to the bathroom instead of just standing there and scream? Why does he hit people? Why does he demand? Why does he yell? Why does he take his shoes off and throw them and refuse to walk?





Doesn't he know he would be happier if he would just listen to me? Doesn't he know he would be happier if he just obeyed the rules? Why can't he trust me that I know what is best? And then.. i think of Heavenly Father.





How often does Heavenly Father say these very same things about me? How frustrating for Heavenly Father.





Enoch is so stubburn and so full of pride..... and so am I. If I just humbled myself and trust Heavenly Father like I want Enoch to trust me, I would be so much happier. My joy would be that much more.





I am pretty sure this is why Heavenly Father decided to have families and parents. Being a parent teaches you eternal truths that I don't think you could understand without being a parent.





It is hard to trust and believe in something that you don't quite understand. It is hard to have faith and believe. Why do we have to go to church when our kids just jump on us through out the whole thing? Why do bad things happen to people who are already sad? Sometimes you don't understand everything, but you need to believe anyway. You don't need to understand ever single thing. Just believe. Because Heavenly Father knows the BIG picture. Just like I do with Enoch. I know that Enoch needs to eat Healthy food or else his body will suffer. Enoch doesn't understand that, but I do. Heavenly Father understands my life and my struggles. I just need to believe He does.

Deciding what college to go to

So when I was a senior in High School, I had to decided what college to go to. I had always wanted to go to BYU. It was my dream. I had worked so hard to be able to get in. I have a learning disability, so school work always took me longer than it did most people. But I had a dream. So I took all of the Honors classes available at my school. I made the varsity Soccor team. I was in band, drama, Science club, varsity choir, etc... I went to seminary every day unless I was sick and missed school. Most everything I did, I did with that BYU application in mind. I would cry if I got Bs on tests or papers because I knew Bs would not get me into BYU. Unlike what you might think, my parents HATED the idea of me going to BYU. "It was to far away" they said. Plus they have always had a little thing against people from around here going to school at BYU because there are great schools here and great institutes here ( the ones that they went to) and they think people should "build up the kingdom where they are" It has never bothered me to do stuff my parents disagree with, so I was still dead set on going to BYU. My parents had one rule though, I had to at least visit BYU. I had never been there. I had only been to Utah once, when I was 11 to take my brother on his mission. So my mom and I planned a trip out there. It was on her birthday, so around Nov. 4th 2001. We flew out there which was fun. I remember being very excited when we finally got to provo. We found our hotel and I wanted to go see the campus. For some reason my mom didn't. So I asked her if I could just go walk around be myself. She said yes ( which now that I think of it was crazy!!! Mom I was in some weird city I had never been to before and you are going to go let me explore) I walked out of the hotel and I wanted to get to campus. I had no idea where it was, but I thought if I just walked towards the big Y on the mountain, I would run into campus. And I did. It was cold but a weird kinda cold. In Indiana, you would have needed a coat, but something about the air there made it not so cold. I walked around campus for a long time exploring. I even ran into someone from my stake, Chris Connley. I thought as soon as I walked on campus I would feel at home-- A calm, peaceful feeling. But it didn't happen. I didn't feel anything. Or if I did feel anything I felt negative feelings. I don't remember walking back to the hotel ( How did I find my way back?!?!) The next day I had official tours of the campus. I went to church there, and I remember eating at the cafeteria. It felt bad. I don't know why. Looking back now I wonder if the problem was that I was only hanging out with college Freshman. They seemed so young, innocent, carefree, and immature. I was used to going to college and hanging out with my siblings whose friends were a mixture of ages, some even 30 years old working on PhDs and curing cancer. However, I think things were just supposed to feel wrong. So I went back home to ponder these things. Later, I got into IU, Purdue and BYU ( I only applied to those three). So now I had to decide what school to go to. I knew I had to pray about it to know which was right. This was the biggest decision in my life up to that point in time. I knew I shouldn't make it on my own. I had never "prayed and gotten an answer" before. I prayed all the time- for guidance, for comfort, for help but never for something that had one thing as the answer. I felt like I knew how to pray about something important. 1. I had done my own investigation on the matter and had pondered the facts 2. I decided to fast. 3. I had to make a decision for myself, pick a school and then ask Heavenly Father if it was right. I did this all. I picked BYU. I fasted. I prayed about it. And nothing happened. I didn't feel good or bad. I thought that might happen, so I just decided to do it the next Sunday too. I did. Still nothing. I did this several times. Nothing. Then I switched to Purdue. Nothing. I prayed about Purdue for several weeks. Nothing. Now a lot of time had passed. I needed to make a choice. Everyday people were talking about what school they were going to and I couldn't decide. I remember my U.S. History teacher asking my every day in the Hallway. I had no idea. PLUS I felt horrible inside. I couldn't figure out how to pray and get an answer. I knew in the next few years I would be making BIG decisions, school, majors, marriage, children... I had to figure out how to pray and get an answer!!!! I read so many church books and articles on prayer. I really did try everything. My parents told me I needed to decide. They said if I wasn't getting an answer then it must not matter where I was supposed to go. So I picked. I picked BYU. I couldn't go wrong with BYU. It was a church school. God would never be upset that I picked that. I remember kneeling by my bed that night telling Heavenly Father that I was going to BYU. And then while I was praying I sort of made a deal with him. I don't know where I got his from. -Back track- So I was crazy about applying for scholarships. I loved it. I thought it was so much fun!!! I don't know how many I applied for- I would say around 50. I read that the more you applied too the more you got and that was true. I think I got 8 or 9 scholarships. All small little ones, but still it was fun. I would go and look at the scholarship board every study hall. This one scholarship was posted on the scholarship board that looked awesome. It was for Purdue for English majors. (Now I had a learning disability in English) But not only did they give you money, you got to be in some special honors class that would bring in special professors from all over the college to speak and listen to them) Then the second semester you would pick a professor and work one on one with them the whole semester on a special project. The whole thing sounded awesome. I decided to apply - because i applied to everything. I had to submit a paper that I had written. I picked one from my Jr. year on Uncle Tom's Cabin. It was called "Where much is given; much is required." I didn't get a good grade on it which means I got a B. But I loved that paper. I poored my heart and soul into it. I sent it in. The bad part about this scholarship was that it said that they weren't going to announce the winners until the end of June. -OK back to my prayer- So I told God I was going to BYU and that if for some reason I was making a terrible mistake and I just didn't understand his answer all this time to send me a sign. I told him "Let me get that Awesome scholarship from Purdue that promised all of that awesome stuff" - I knew it wouldn't happen because of my learning disability and because the paper I sent in got a B. The next day I wore my BYU shirt to school and my BYU socks. I told everyone I was going to BYU. I found my U.S. History teacher and told him. I was going to BYU. I got home from school and something had come for me in the mail. It was from Purdue's School of Liberal Arts.( I am crying now as I write this) It told me I had got the scholarship! I got it. It was only April. They were supposed to wait until June to pick. They had given me the scholarship when the night before I had been on my knees telling God to give me this scholarship only if going to BYU was not his will. What did it mean!?!?! Believe it or not I still wasn't sure. Did God answer prayers like that?! When my dad came home from work, he open the scriptures to the Old Testament and read me the story of Gideon. Gideon couldn't figure out what to do, so he put some sheep skin out side and asked God to make the dew on the ground and not on the Sheep skin and then visa versa if he was supposed to lead the armies into battle. I had done the same thing. I couldn't figure out what to do. I did what Gideon had done. God had answered my prayers. We went out to Pizza Hut to celebrate. I think my parents were thrilled beyond belief. And the next day I told everyone that I was going to Purdue. That is why I believe.

Shadrach- 2005

The fall of 2005 was very stressful. I think the most stressful time in my life so far. We had just moved to Lebanon. We mistakenly thought it would only take 2 weeks to fix our house up enough to be livable. It really took more like 4 months. It was SO dirty and plus we had trouble getting the big projects done because we kept running into problems. Greg had only been working for a few months. He felt a lot of pressure and stress to preform well at his job. The person he was replacing was someone he knew from High School, and he was being replaced because he couldn't "cut it". Greg would be stressed because there was so much to learn to balance at work. ( Now, he loves it: It just took time to figure out.) I was student teaching. I had to put Ali in Day Care -- Something I had sworn I would never do. My heart was broken. I felt like I had broken one of my biggest goals in life, and I was only 21. PLUS student teaching was AWFUL! My teacher was a good teacher. I am glad I got to see her teach, but she was a perfectionist and everything I did was WRONG. And not just a little wrong. If she told me to sing more educational songs during singing time, the next week she would scowld me for not singing enough fun songs. I was so insecure. I felt awful. I would come home exausted and pick up Ali from day care and start to clean the kitchen so I could cook dinner ( I had to clean it every day because of all of the construction going on in our house). Ali was covered in dirt from crawling around on the dirty floors for the same reason. I was so stressed that I got in a huge fight with Greg's mom. I don't even know what it was about. I just remember screaming a whole lot-- which I don't think I have ever screamed that much in the last 5 years.
Ok that was the back ground information.
One day at church we were sitting in church. It was a normal Sunday. A new family (Milocovics-sp-)had moved in and they were assigned to speak. When their little boy got up to speak, I didn't really hear a word he said. But I didn't hear other words either. Something odd happened in my mind. Something that had only happened one other time (When I met Greg). Feelings and thoughts came into my mind- but they were not words. I will try to put them into words now. "A little boy was waiting to come down to our family. It was important to have another child soon. He was going to do many important things. He was going to be pale and sickly. He was going to have pale skin, pale eyes, and pale hair. I was going to worry about his health but I would be blessed with knowledge to know how to help him. All of his health problems would be ok by the time he reached adolescents." I just remember crying. Crying and Crying because I was so stressed out. I couldn't have another baby right now. I did tell Greg about it but I decided to ignore it. The next Sunday the same thing happened and the Sunday after that. Soon I almost dreaded going to church because I knew the feeling would over power me. Then I started feeling it before I went to bed at night. After around two months, I surcame to the prompting. I decided we needed to listen to the spirit even if it didn't logically make since. I didn't tell anyone besides Greg. I thought I sounded like a crazy person- I still sort of think that. I still will not say for sure that this little boy is Shadrach. I just know a little boy was waiting and another child needed to be born. Maybe he is still to come. But so far, Shadrach fits the bill. And what a blessing Shadrach is to our family. I am glad I did not wait to have another baby. Ali and him are best friends and I think it it because they are so close in age. That is why I believe.

College-2002

My freshman year of college, I got really depressed. Things just weren't going right. I am embarrassed to say that most of it probably had to do with a boy. We had broken up, and I just had trouble getting back on track. I was so depressed. I was also still struggling with the fact that Jason Kirton had left the church. He had such big dreams and was going to do so much good. It hurt me inside to think of the things that would never happen now. Also, I respected Jason. He was my best friend. My best Friend since 2nd grade-- for really 10 years. That is longer than I have even known Greg now. He made me have my doubts. He made me believe that the Spirit, I had felt so many times, was all in my head. That during a testimony meeting, I was working myself up, and making my brain realise endorphins to feel that way. He said that often times people feel that feeling on a football team or even at summer camp. Which is true- I have felt really strong feelings like -I stress the word like that at camp and I know other people have had feelings like that about band.
I was not only depressed inside; I was mad. I am not sure why I was mad but I was. The anger burned in my heart. Full of hate and bitterness one night, I started to read my scriptures. Why? I am not sure. Habit? When I have my life in order one of the things I always do is read my scriptures every day. I was trying to put my life back in order, so I got them out to read so i could check it off of my list of things to do before bed. I was reading full of this raging darkness that was inside of me and then suddenly.... the feeling started from somewhere deep inside of me. It started out small and just grew stronger and stronger. The calm quiet peace slowly destroyed the bitterness that had been inside. It almost exploded out of me by the time I was done. So much so that I started to cry sitting at my desk in my room with my scriptures open. I don't remember what I read. I wish I did. But I don't think it was important or meaningful at the time. I felt the spirit not just whisper but tell me "It is true" I was not planning on feeling the spirit. I was planning on reading 1 chapter in the scriptures and then continue on being bitter as I got the rest of my to do list done. BUT then the spirit came. It testified to me that all the things I have been taught are true. I did not make it up in my head. I was not causing endorphins to be realised. I did not work myself up. It just happened. After that I changed. I started serving others and doing positive things. I volunteered to be a reading couch for a little 2nd grade boy, I joined Big Sisters, I volunteered at Habitat for Humanity once a week, I joined Liberal Arts Student Council, I assistant directed "To Kill a Mocking Bird", I prayed every day, I read my scriptures, and I became the branch Sunday School Teacher. Soon after this I was happy every day. I replaced that sad time with things that were good and made me happy. It was one of the best things I ever did. I am so thankful for that night when I read the scriptures and the Spirit spoke to me and told me to hold on even though I was in a dark place. That it would get better and that I need to hold on to the rod-- because looking back now I think I almost let go. That is why I believe.

Greg's blessing

Greg and I went out to eat for my Birthday on Saturday and his parents watch all three kids. It was wonderful. His dad had mentioned earlier in the week that Brother Rock and him could give Greg a blessing about his eye. Brother Rock was Greg's bishop growing up and his friend Dan's dad. He now lives just three houses down from Greg's parents and is the stake patriarch. The blessing was so powerful. Words can't describe the feelings that were felt. I love to feel the Holy Ghost. Most of the time lately, we are so busy with the kids and callings and things to do, it is too easy to get going so fast that you miss the feeling. The Holy Ghost is there, but I am too busy to feel it. It was so nice to have that powerful testimony that Christ lives and loves us. That the priesthood is real and of God. I know that Christ lives and I know by living by his guidance, happiness will fill my heart and soul. I KNOW hard time will come and they will make life hard but with His help I will make it through the trial learning what needed to be learned. The feeling is real. It is not made up. And because it is real I must "drop my net and come follow him" ( Greg's Sunday school lesson today) That is why I believe.