loss

So we lost what was going to be baby number 5 on Friday August 10th in the wee hours of the morning.  I guess that was just yesterday now that I think of it, but it feels like two weeks ago. My first miscarriage.  I was almost 7 weeks.  A lot of emotions.  The baby would have been due March 29th.

Greg and I found out we were pregnant on Shadrach's Birthday, July 21.  We were both very excited that whole day.  Then, the next day I started feeling a little panicked and overwhelmed.  I started making lists and charts and schedules.(That always makes me feel better)  I started to reread Stephen Covey's Book Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families and reading organizational blogs of people with big families. 

The whole pregnancy, I did not have any morning sickness.  My nose wasn't runny in the morning. I didn't gain that 7 pounds by 4 weeks that I normally do.  Toilets did not stench of urine.  I was tired, and I was really enjoying peanut butter in practically everything but that was it.  I kept waiting for the symptoms to start, but they never did.  So I worried.  I know that every pregnancy is different so I tired not to worry too much, but I did.  It turns out for once there really was something to worry about.   

I was shocked when it happened; however, a part of me was also waiting for it to happen.

I have cried a lot, and I have been just fine half of the time.

I am not sure where to go from here.  I feel lost.  Get pregnant again?  -Just doesn't seem right for some reason.  I don't want to look at the schedules I have made for the up coming school year even though I could still use them.  I don't want to read my Stephen Covey book even though that would still be helpful too.  And I am not sure when I will eat peanut butter again.   

Greg has been wonderful through out everything.  When I was pregnant, he was so helpful with the children and cleaning the house.  He bought flowers several times and fun new baby outfits.  And now that we have lost the baby, he is being very loving and supportive too.  He took Friday off of work to watch after the kids for me.  He is having a harder time than he thought he would too.  He is very sad. 

We are both sad. 

But that is ok.  To everything there is a season.  This is the time to be sad. 

And soon- probably not as soon as I would like- the season will change.